Her Reflection
by After Six
Summary: Sometimes nightmares about Serenity and the blood in her hands haunts Usagi.


**Her Reflection**

The Silver Millennium had always glowed silver, but this time the color was dull.

Ash hung in the air, piled atop debris and covering bodies of those slain in battle. She stood alone in front of her love—her first and only love—with a gaping wound in his chest.

A sword protruded from the center of it.

She thought she was screaming—his name, perhaps—but it was all so silent. She could feel the words formed upon her lips, though.

 _Endymion._

He'd died protecting her. Beyond him were strewn more familiar bodies; that of her guardians. One in blue, one in red, one in green, and one in orange. Each one staring lifelessly to the sky, still shocked by the impossibility of what happened, of this one thing nobody saw coming.

Her kingdom crumbled in the background.

And in front of her stood the witch, tears streaming down her cheek, too. That was possibly the most shocking thing of all.

"Look what you made me do," her bitter voice accused. "You made me kill him."

 _No._ That wasn't her fault. Endymion had jumped between them. It was the witch's sword that killed him! She had no part in this, no part at all.

That was not true.

"It's all your fault," the red-haired woman swore, sounding anguished and broken. "You stole him from me. And you killed him. It's all your fault."

Usagi woke up with a gasp. She instinctively turned to the mirror beside the bed, and for a second she could have sworn she saw Serenity's face looking back at her. Her dress was bathed in blood as red as the fabric was white.

This time Usagi jolted backwards so violently that she practically fell on top of Mamoru.

"Mmh… Usako?" he stirred, confused when he saw her ashen face. He blinked and sat up, immediately alert. "What is it? Is there an… enemy?"

Usagi was staring at the mirror, but in the next moment she buried her face in his chest, trembling. Automatically, he put his arms around her, waiting patiently until she spoke.

"Just… a bad dream, Mamo-chan," she finally managed to whisper. "Just a bad dream."

He looked carefully at her. "Do you want to tell me about it?"

She was quiet for a while, and again, he patiently waited.

Finally she looked up at him and sighed. "I s-saw… Serenity. I was Serenity."

He paused, not quite understanding. "What part of it was upsetting?"

"I saw you—no, Endymion. Being killed in front of me. And Beryl… she told me it was my fault. Your death… the senshi's deaths… Silver Millennium falling… an entire civilization ruined…" her voice caught as she grasped his arms as if they were her life raft. "All that blood… it's on my hands." She suddenly pulled her hands back and looked down at them as if seeing them for the first time. "I'm the reason everyone was killed in Silver Millennium."

"Usako, no," Mamoru shook his head vehemently. "How could you think that? It was Metalia. And Beryl. They were the ones that destroyed your kingdom."

"Yes, but…!" Usagi seemed distraught, beyond any consolation. Mamoru had never seen her this upset before, not even in all the battles she had faced as Sailor Moon. "I brought the death upon us. I started it all. If I'd never fallen in love with you… If I never broke god's rule that says no one from the moon and earth can be together… Don't you see? I cursed us. With my selfishness, with my ignorance… Beryl said I stole you from her—"

"Usako, stop. Endymion was never hers to begin with," he said firmly. His eyes were gentle as he looked into hers, a soft smile on his lips. "You can't steal someone's feelings. He was meant to be with Serenity."

"You mean meant to die with her. And destroy both of their kingdoms in the process."

He took a deep breath and, after hesitating for a moment, spoke once more. "Usako, you are not Serenity. Even if it was her fault, it isn't yours. That blood isn't on your hands, because you're not her. Neither am I Endymion." He paused, then added softly, "For the longest time, I struggled with this. I never told you, but… You know I didn't have—and still don't have—my own memories. From this life. All I had, ironically, was Endymion's. His memories plaguing my dreams. Telling me to find you, and the Silver Crystal. This indescribable urge to fight as Tuxedo Mask and help you whenever you need me. Obviously, I don't resent him for that, because it led me to you. But…" he bit his lip, something Usagi had never seen him done before. He seemed conflicted, and she realized that he was truly telling her something he had never planned to tell anyone. Mamoru looked at her again, and admitted with a bitter smile, "I did resent him for taking control of my life when I already had so little of it in my grasp to begin with. It felt like…" his gaze turned faraway, out into the night. "Like my life wasn't mine at all."

Usagi's thoughts about Serenity evaporated as she realized exactly how Mamoru felt all this time. She had never seen it—of course she never did—but now it all made perfect sense. Of course he would feel that way.

"So I know how it feels, Usako. But you are not her. And at least you have your own memories to reinforce that. You have your own childhood. You have a perfectly happy past. You were not responsible for the destruction of any kingdom or any lives. You… are better than her, Usagi Tsukino. Better than Serenity."

Usagi's eyes widened in surprise at his last words, and warmth settled in her heart. She smiled, holding his hand to her cheek. "Thank you, Mamo-chan. That… that means more than you can ever know."

He simply nodded, being what he did best; the rock that she needed to hold on to in the storm.

She thought for a moment, of the dream and the ghost that haunted her, and looked back into his eyes. "Mamo-chan… are you…" She paused, the words seemed to physically struggle to get out. He waited, and she tried again. "If I am not Serenity and you are not Endymion… do you think we truly are together because we want to be, and not because of them?"

"Of course." His answer was so immediate and so sure, Usagi felt like she might cry in relief. "They might have brought us together, but what we did from that point on was up to us. I chose to love you, Usagi Tsukino. Not Serenity. I don't know if I'll love Serenity, if she were here right now with me."

That seemed easy to say, but Usagi chose to believe it.

She slowly lay down again, snuggled close to him, her back to his chest. His arm slung over her protectively, as if he could ward off nightmares that way.

It took Usagi a long time to glance in the mirror again, but this time when she did, all she saw was herself.

 _I am not her,_ she repeated to herself as she closed her eyes, blanketed with a new peace with the knowledge.


End file.
